But Wait, There's More!

Protect the U.S. Postal Service!

2011-12-27T03:09:00.003-06:00

Many fine proposals have been put forward: get them into the broadband business, change the crippling pre-funding of pensions, let post offices offer vanilla banking services to the public within their delivery areas -- daily postal service is one of the major currencies of our lives, and you don't mess with people's currency.

The fact that someone comes to my door, takes a couple of letters from me and delivers them thousands of miles away to the exact persons I want to receive them for less than a dollar is the best service for cost any of us ever get in our daily lives. The postal service is one of those things that's great because it's public: it's all of us, every day, contributing and profiting from this incredibly cool scheme that a good 99% of us appreciate and support tremendously.

I know, I know, there's all this cash and gear being used to deliver letters to houses that's not being filtered into private corporate accounts at UPS and FedEx. What a tragedy they couldn't get their logos into the Constitution.

For OWS and Parallel Actions

2011-10-17T15:53:00.007-05:00

This anthem to be sung to the soaring melody in the middle of Jupiter by Holst. Video providing subtitles and a rudimentary accompaniment is available at YouTube under ClarkLanark.

We have read and we have
Agreed to all your
Terms and all your Fees;
We have signed and we have
Initialed where you
Pointed and said, "Please."

We've maintained the chain-of-custody.
We've absorbed our share of cost.
This was your game; we played it and,
Clearly, we have lost.

We have read and we have
Agreed to all your
Terms and all your Fees;
We have signed and we have
Initialed where you
Pointed and said, "Please."

We've secured our chain-of-custody.
We've absorbed our share of cost.
But you beat us and left us
Out standing in the frost.

We have read and we have
Agreed to all your
Terms and all your Fees;
But you took home your pile of cash
And left us cut off at the knees!

An Explanation

2011-07-20T01:53:00.002-05:00

Someone asked me to explain about the Helena Bonham Carter joke. I asked her if I had ever told her the Helena Bonham Carter joke. She told me I hadn't. Then you don't get it, I said.

An Open Letter to Rep. Bachmann, R-MN

2011-07-15T12:56:00.006-05:00

Dear Michele Bachmann,

You just can’t seem to stop talking about homosexuality. As a lifelong homosexual, and a former fundamentalist, I can speak with some authority on the matter.

Your weird brand of Christianity forces you to believe that homosexuality is evil. As a first-person witness to all the struggles I have had with my sexuality, I am now in a position to inform you that you are completely wrong. You’re wrong because I exist. I’m gay, and I’m happy. My spiritual development is on track, my heart is full, and here’s the kicker: I’m touched by God.

Seriously. Six weeks ago, I took more prizes in the Van Cliburn Foundation’s International Piano Competition for Outstanding Amateurs than any other participant. People have told me all my life that I have a gift from God, and they’re right. I can play the piano really, really beautifully. I can touch people’s hearts deeply and profoundly, and it’s easy for me -- easy, and deeply rewarding. It’s obviously God’s plan, because it’s hard-wired into my very being. Always has been. I’m a musician; it’s the language my prayers go out in.

I’m also gay, and once I stopped listening to people like you, that became another source of happiness for me: not misery, not confusion, just sheer delight.

And I am, inarguably, happy. I’m a big, happy, red-blooded, beer-swilling, porn-loving American, and God’s love and blessings and approval permeate me, and I stand as incontrovertible evidence that when you say that my “lifestyle” is evil, you are lying about me. You are lying about what God actually does in the lives of people like me, and about the ineffable joy that having a healthy relationship to one’s sexuality can bring, and I'm asking you to stop it.

Now that you know these things, stop it. Your religious views may oblige you to fear what you can’t understand, but you don’t have the right to continue to spread cruel lies when it’s all been so clearly explained to you.

Sincerely,
Clark Griffith

I Know I Am

2011-01-08T22:05:00.002-06:00

Bradley Whitford must
be relieved not to have to
look hot anymore.

Clarion Call

2010-12-07T22:31:00.000-06:00

The first thing you hear
when Colbert comes on is: O
Come All Ye Faithful

But Is It True?

2010-12-02T13:29:00.001-06:00

ramifications
and ramekins hold things that
above all are small

Like, Obvs

2010-10-21T01:38:00.002-05:00

I have to believe
at times that my future is
still ahead of me.

The First Rule of Obits, Too

2010-10-18T11:53:00.001-05:00

The first rule of print
journalism: somebody
else writes the headlines.

For Nurse Mike (Clark)

2010-10-09T01:12:00.003-05:00

It’s a Sean story, so it may or may not be true. (This is the standard caveat when passing along the legends of a pathological liar.)

On a college radio station, a late-night deejay was playing some Pierre Boulez (on vinyl, no doubt). A lady called in.

“What are you doing? What is this? This isn’t music. This is just – noise. Why are you playing this? Who wrote this? This is terrible. Why would anybody want to listen…” And so on.

When he could get in a word edgewise, the thankless announcer declared, “I’m sorry, madam, but at the moment all our Ernest Tubb records are at the cleaners.”

Personality Types

2010-10-06T13:55:00.002-05:00

I took the Myers-
Briggs. Turns out: I'm a self-
pitying narcissist.

Obviosity

2010-09-19T09:31:00.000-05:00

The back is really
the only body part a
person can throw out.

Math Problem

2010-08-22T00:17:00.002-05:00

I have prepared this recipe (the "espresso pecan brownies") according to instructions. Instead of a 13"x9" or 8"x8" pan, however, I am using a pan that's somewhere between the two -- I can't measure it right now because it's in the oven -- say, 11"x8" or so. My question is this: how long should I leave it in the oven? The only other variation from the text I can report is that I'm using walnuts, not pecans.

What I Believe

2010-07-16T15:46:00.001-05:00

Secularism
is freedom. What else is there
more American?

Parasailin'

2010-05-28T11:35:00.004-05:00

all you really need
to know about the woman:
pro-wink, anti-think

You Probably Don't Even Remember The Show

2010-03-22T13:53:00.001-05:00

Doing the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle of 9/24/2000, I came across the clue, "Chilling words." I went ahead and filled in "or else" because there wasn't room for "on a fresh 'Summerland...'."

Bottlenose Dauphin

2010-03-12T15:48:00.004-06:00

Did you hear? Mrs
Butterworth has decided
to stop having sex.

She's celibate now, but her
hat screws on.

that is, if bluetooth = usb

2010-01-22T21:57:00.002-06:00

the bluetooth of it:
the mini, the venti, and
the bluetooth bluetooth

Come the revolution

2009-12-06T02:11:00.001-06:00

Step One. Legalize Lesbian marriage.
Step Two. Deploy the lawsuits.

What Are They On Crack

2009-10-31T01:19:00.003-05:00

No cartoon kid on
a cereal box ever
has any eyelids.

Observations v. Observances

2009-09-17T21:31:00.001-05:00

after forty, your
bladder clues you in to why
they're called "the wee hours"

Generous to Asphalt

2009-09-16T20:05:00.001-05:00

If we are, indeed, created from God's image, then God is forever discovering new aspects of the human condition and endlessly fascinated thereby.

Quotes Out of Context

2009-09-14T16:11:00.000-05:00

Four years ago, Mom
told me, "You've been watching too
many commercials."

In Memoriam

2009-08-26T19:04:00.001-05:00

The Lions: Johnny
Carson, Ted Kennedy,
David Foster Wallace

Chicken-Fried Tortellini with Banana Candy Clam Sauce

2009-06-29T18:37:00.003-05:00

2 oz. banana liqueur
2 oz. butterscotch schnapps
1 can white clam sauce
1 package chicken-fried tortellini

Combine first three ingredients in a saucepan and heat through, taking care not to bruise the schnapps.

Halve and seed a cantaloupe.

Cook pasta according to package directions; drain. Spoon into centers of melon and cover with sauce.

Serves two.

Not for nothing, but

2009-06-25T23:06:00.001-05:00

one of the great loves
of my life: Paul Newman (the
cat, not the actor)

Yes We Can: Believe It's Not Butter

2009-06-24T17:15:00.003-05:00

A Master lock just
fell into the sink, bringing
memories back from

junior high: a coach
taught us guys an equation,
a series of odd

(or even) numbers
that comprise the nature of
Master locks' secret

cyphers: all even,
or all odd, left right left, and
you pass over the

middle integer
once. I don't remember the
locker numbers I

had in high school; I
still dream of not recalling
them, sometimes naked.

As Martha Stewart Might Say

2009-04-12T01:32:00.002-05:00

I have some pink Blue Willow.

Embracing Juvenility

2009-04-04T00:26:00.000-05:00

in the memo line
of every check I write from
now on: underpants

Male Scientists, That Is

2009-02-17T02:34:00.002-06:00

Someday, scientists will determine the exact altitude from which you could drop a gutted, marinated pig so that the amount of burning up it did in the atmosphere on the way down would equal tasty perfection by the time of its arrival at ground level. Then they'll work out the parachute problem.

There Are Two Types of People in the World

2009-01-30T01:31:00.002-06:00

the ones who get the
Helena Bonham Carter
joke, and those who don't

Holiday Sacrilege

2008-12-17T13:34:00.002-06:00

Have you ever noticed that "Adeste Fideles" and "Streets of Laredo" are partner songs? I'm having trouble transcribing my arrangement of "Gesu Bambino" without giggling uncontrollably. "I see by your outfit that you're the Messiah..."

green music

2008-12-05T01:45:00.002-06:00

as drops falls water
the rain has forests to play
the rain is lucky

Happy Birthday, Mr Stewart

2008-11-28T11:43:00.002-06:00

dumb things I gotta
buy: dryer sheets and kitty
treats -- or, Bounce and Pounce

God

2008-11-20T18:57:00.001-06:00

He is like when you
discovered how to button
up your 501s

You Too, Ladies

2008-11-16T23:02:00.001-06:00

Dear Keith Olbermann,
many more of us want to
watch you shower now.

Silver Linings

2008-11-08T23:41:00.004-06:00

Sometimes -- in July,
maybe -- I think, "At least it's
not the holidays."

And sometimes, like now,
I find myself thinking, "At
least it's not pledge week."

Pollen Ticks

2008-11-05T15:13:00.002-06:00

Has anybody
wondered: did Prop 8 pass to
protect shotgun sales?

Memphish

2008-10-14T11:55:00.003-05:00

Then Frodo asked me,
"What's the capital city
where they speak Elvish?"

I Want, I Want

2008-09-27T12:43:00.005-05:00

Every two or three days, I make a pot of coffee and store most of it in a Thermos. To warm up a cup, it takes about ninety seconds in the microwave, but the turntable in mine makes exactly six revolutions per minute, and after completing a cook cycle, the oven beeps and the platter continues to spin for four seconds, so I hit "Cook Time" and "126" and "start" and soon my coffee is piping hot and the handle of my mug is facing me.

My oven does not have a button that cooks something for one minute and twenty-six seconds, and I don't expect GE or Sharp to include one on their next model, but there is something I would like: a "redial" button that I could hit to repeat the last cooking task requested. That's not too much to ask, is it?

David Foster Wallace

2008-09-17T11:03:00.001-05:00

He gave us perhaps
the finest oxymoron
yet: concession stand

Question No. 12

2008-09-13T00:11:00.002-05:00

12. If Angelina Jolie is the new Sophia Loren, and Kirsten Dunst is the new Joan Allen, then Kiefer Sutherland is:

a) the new Donald Sutherland
b) the new Joan Sutherland
c) the new Marni Nixon
d) the new Don Ameche

Auspicions

2008-09-12T12:28:00.001-05:00

My friend Linus writes, "My son was conceived on Halloween, and we found out that we were pregnant on Friday the 13th. He was born, however, at 9:00 a.m. on a working Monday, which is what frightens me most of all."

Today's Riddle

2008-09-09T01:55:00.001-05:00

What do you serve with mutton chips?
Sheep dip!

She Was a Good Dog

2008-09-06T18:26:00.001-05:00

Dad’s taxes have always been a bear, but he does them himself, every year. One night I was taking my leave, and at the threshold, the dog couldn’t decide whether she wanted to be in or out. “You want to work on taxes, Spats?” I asked, and she headed straight out without further hesitation.

An Aging Haiku

2008-08-27T15:18:00.002-05:00

in the bathroom sink
these stray trimmings from my beard
more salt than pepper

She didn't, either

2008-08-19T01:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just need to wash the rats out of the oven.

Tipping

2008-08-13T16:04:00.002-05:00

For a check under five dollars:

Two cents is an insult.
A buck is the bare minimum.
A dollar and a quarter is an acknowledgment.
A buck and a half is a gesture.
Add a quarter and it becomes a nod.
Two bucks is a tip.
Two and a quarter is a gratuity.
Two fifty, that's an attaboy.
Leave two seventy-five as a compliment.
Three's a welcome relief.
Four's a pass.
Five bucks is a proposition.
Ten bucks is a proposal.
Twenty's a bribe.
A hundred's a payoff.
Five hundred is a warning.
A cool grand – why that's just an insult.

The End of the Story

2008-07-10T17:49:00.000-05:00

and with one mighty sweep of his hand, God Almighty utterly destroyed my chances of ever advancing to a higher rung on Circuit City's corporate ladder.

It's True

2008-06-12T02:13:00.003-05:00

I was with Sean at a Christmas Eve gathering many years ago with some work friends, and we were talking about music. A woman there named Ellen claimed that her father loved Mozart and her mother loved Wagner, but that her mother hated Mozart and her father hated Wagner, so they had to compromise on what sort of music to have in the house. They settled on Dvorak.

Sean said, "Dvorak? Dvorak!? That's like not being able to decide whether to be Catholics or Jews so you become alcoholics instead."

Or was that France?

2008-05-18T23:51:00.000-05:00

As they say in North
Carolina, "A Thursday's
as good as a lay."

Two Thousand Eight

2008-05-16T11:30:00.000-05:00

as the campaign looked
last January: Mormon
Muslim soldier shrew

Because It Is Sore, And Because It Is My Throat

2008-05-09T21:17:00.001-05:00

Maria Shriver:
Is she or isn't she the
lost Osmond sister?

Deep. Inside. Out

2008-04-09T18:59:00.001-05:00

Pockets
are the puppy ears
of pants.

Untitled

2008-04-03T11:59:00.001-05:00

We Americans,
spoiled, surrounded always by
abundant Kleenex.

The Trickling

2008-03-11T12:13:00.001-05:00

Eventually,
the actor who plays James Bond
is younger than you.

Feathering the Internest™

2008-03-03T15:21:00.002-06:00

my new electric
rotary eraser: why
did I wait so long?

Professor Pete

2008-03-01T15:00:00.000-06:00

Just once, I would like
to hear "Bartered Bride" performed
without the repeats.

Relative

2008-02-14T23:42:00.000-06:00

I never had a
little sister. I never
had syphilis, too.

An Haiku

2008-02-09T18:58:00.001-06:00

The Army, she wears
the beret. That's good. It says--
the beret--"We're French!"

An Haiku positing The Existence of Dog

2008-02-09T18:57:00.000-06:00

mother an hustler
found beneath the mattress of
brother john, then twelve

An Haiku regarding The Oxymoron

2008-02-09T18:56:00.000-06:00

It is not, oddly,
a new white powder used to
clean stupid people.

A Dairy Queen on Another Planet

2008-01-01T00:07:00.000-06:00

It's a Japanese
dessert soup, served cold. "Alex,
What is lycheessoise?"

Cowgirls

2007-12-10T15:55:00.000-06:00

So, the other day in Starbucks this blonde turns to me and says, "So, who were the Harold Angels anyway?"

Morality rides the fence as scientists mop up after visionaries and archeologists frantically attempt to codify Jesus

2007-11-20T19:47:00.000-06:00

America has
no right to submerge coastlines
and island nations.

Here's... Hubrish!

2007-10-03T21:37:00.000-05:00

A new horoscope :
the Goldberg Variations.
Yours : the day of month

Lies, All Lies

2007-08-30T23:40:00.001-05:00

The fact that car salesmen really, really want you to buy something from them and are willing to advertise to that effect does not qualify their avarice as an “event.” And there’s no such thing as “Truck Month,” even in Texas.

But It's a Dry Heave

2007-08-16T12:50:00.000-05:00

I grew up in the desert, so I should know from hot. Now I live in godforsaken Texas.

It’s hot here, but there’s a quality to this heat that’s different from Arizona—and it’s not just the humidity. Opening the door at 10pm on an August night in Phoenix is like entering a blast furnace. Here, it’s like opening the door to bitter, vindictive regret, like all of Outside hates me and it’s personal.

The Rock: Man Enough?

2007-08-14T03:38:00.000-05:00

Should the final cadence of Op. 23 No. 10 betray any hint of irony?

Nomenclature

2007-08-11T20:13:00.000-05:00

The “war” in Iraq is not a war in the usual sense, and should not be classified as such. Our misadventure in Mesopotamia is not a declared war against a nation-state that attacked us and made itself our enemy; the “war on terror” is, like the “war on drugs” or “war on poverty,” an umbrella term employed for obfuscation.

Let's call this military incursion what it is: the American offensive in Iraq. After all, it’s American, it’s offensive, and it’s in Iraq.

Rumor Control

2007-08-11T19:52:00.000-05:00

I was having a dream with Tina Fey in it this morning and she said, “You know that at this point I’m just waiting for you to leave, right?”